This post marks the first step towards letting go of food. The past few months I noticed I had gone from enjoying to depending on food; I have been using food to fill a void in my life. My days have been filled with looking forward to food at each meal instead of the more important, companions, conversations, and other social joys of a meal.
I worry about what I should eat so as not to gain weight. If the meal was planned beforehand, I would look up the menu, sometimes days before, and note what to order. Sometimes I will cancel appointments just because the menu doesn’t have any “low fat” food. When I wake up, food is all I can think about. What’s for breakfast? When I have finished that breakfast, what’s the snack after? What’s for lunch? My day is dictated by breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
If the food does not taste good, my mood will tumble; I will get sad and frustrated. My mind will be filled with regret for not eating good food. And even more sadly, when food is presented in front of me, I attack it with a vengence. I ignore my companions and just focus on eating as much as my tummy can hold. I eat senselessly; not noticing the flavours or the ongoing conversations. I have this fear that the food will disappear and leave me, and it makes me want to fill my plate with as much as the plate can hold. When the plate is empty, and usually very quickly so, I will grab and pile more food on to the plate. I grip on to cutleries for dear life and sit ever so closely and tightly to the table. Meals usually end in a blur. I don’t remember what my friends said, or anything they say are, in my opinion, trivial, but only because I wasn’t concentrating. When I see people eat, I want to eat too. I don’t want to “miss out”. I want to be able to eat it and say to myself, “done! Out of my system!”.
All my conversation revolves around food. It is all I can think and talk about. I don’t know what else to say except for food. When I see people eating, the food is all I can look. I do not notice the person or its surroundings. And slowly but surely, I have gotten selfish over food. I watch over it like a hawk, watching people finish the food before me makes me sad; as if my life is empty without me finishing it.
This has been due to many changes in my life this year. I have gotten tired of exercising. I used to troll through exercise videos on Youtube but now that’s not as exciting. Exercising has now simply become a habit, I no longer find joy and have forgotten about the importance and benefits of doing so. I have stopped clubbing; so time spent thinking of which club to visit on Wednesdays or Saturdays are now freed up. Naturally, thinking about food fills the available time.
Needless to say, I have a serious eating disorder. It dawned on me one day that the weekend, which couldn’t be more perfect as it was filled with my family and friends, passed in a blur. I can not remember what I chatted about with them except remember the food we ate. I feel like a pig. I want to connect back to life. I want to breathe life. I want to connect back to human beings.
Today chronicles my journey to let go of food. The baby steps I will take. The times when I didn’t clean my plate and felt bad about it. I have only myself to account for and today it begins.